As I play with fire

I long for him.. :')

long long time.

hey guys,

so, how long has it been since i last tell you a story? sorry guys, ive been very busy with my job. and yes, speaking of my job, i met new people but i keep avoiding conversations that will lead to my background, uh..

err, i dont know what else to say. my brain stops extracting ideas for the moments.

so, bye bye..

updates.. :)

So, Aidilfitri is just around the corner. I pray so that amazing things will happen during Aidilfitri. And i got myself a job, yeah..! i was so happy when i got the mail, i even cried.. um, i also went to visit babah, and cried too.. ish, i wasnt ready. and im still not ready. i just dont think that i will ever be ready.. anyway, Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri guys..! :) enjoy your cuti while it lasts..!

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committing is hard...

anyway, i cant sleep. theres this thing that bugs me. i dont know how clean up my mind. the only option that i thought can help me arent working. but instead, it worsen things. geez, i hate it when this feeling attacked my mood.

so, thats it. im out.

He makes me happy..

I miss my boyfriend.. :'( how i wish youre here right now, love..

aah, we were friends.. but why?

God, just tell me kenapa orang cematu masih wujud? Enough is enough..!! Bulan Ramadhan pun masih kan menyihir orang? unbelievable... I still can bear with this pain.. Sometimes i cant even believe yang im actually dalam perumuran where orang would pakai 'sihir' over me.. Menyabut 'sihir' is sickening enough.. it might sounds insane.. but thats the reality, guys..



Dearest pal,

If youre reading this, tell him (H TUD) to stop it..!! Im this close to punch him with my bare hand.. Sihir? Are you fucking kidding me?? And Im this close to humiliate him publicly..

That stupid ass biotch once mentioned, 'kalau hati ku kapir, lama sudah ia (babah) tu bebungkus uleh ku' and 'sembahyang hajat ku supaya kamu anak beranak mati accident'

Inda palui ka tu? Sembahyang hajat? aah, cemani saja, tell him to contact me.. I can help him to masuk sekulah ugama balik supaya inda buduh. It doesnt make any sense. Kalau ia luan desperate for money, tell him to sembahyang hajat minta banyakkan rezeki, bukan kan minta orang mati accident..

and then, my mom cakap 'kalau ada papa jadi arah kami, kita tah punya pasal tu ah?' and he answered 'bah, tiwasan kamu inda mau membayar'

Let me ask you this, APAKAN DIBAYAR??? DARI AWAL KAMI NADA BEUTANG..!! NADA KAMI PERNAH MINTA SATU SEN PUN DARI KAMU..!!! But then, ia keeps on bugging kami suruh bayar. And now, bila kami ignore, sihir jawapannya?? Listen, mengugut wont make kami membagi duit arah sampah masyarakat macam ia..! Ive tried my best to be inda kurang ajar..

I dont like the fact that i have to turn my back against you just because ia buat masalah and tries to hurt my family and i.. But im deeply sorry to say that, he messed up and theres nothing that you and i can do to change it. I resent him sampai bila bila. And bila ingat ia, i feel so sick that i could fill this whole world with my puke.. I hope you can understand why im being like this.. Sometimes i wonder if youve imagined what would it be like to be in my position. To lose a father, and not to mention, to live with humiliations. I know that if i humiliate him, there will be a side-effect arah kami.. Im ready for that, coz i know kamu lagi malu dari kami.. And i know that it sucks to have to do it this way. But i'd do anything to buat ia marah sampai ia sangal. But kalau ia inda pandai sangal jua, then i will keep on malukan ia..

Ramadhan..

yes, the title has it all.. so, happy fasting everyone.. :)

and...
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babah, are you here already?

photos

my bridex photos.. now is the time to shine..! i was kinda busy at that moment that i had no time to upload it. and so it vanished from my mind. how did i manage to find it? well, i was looking at this particular folder. and decided to see whats inside. and amazingly, my photos~ aaaa...

fireworks..

i wanted to see the fireworks so bad.. but then things went wrong so i (jauh ati), acted like nothing happened and had to forget about the fireworks.. you know, fireworks reminds me of babah.. now, bila raya, sunyi laa ni.. seven months have passed, but why do these feelings stay the same?

Ya Allah, its better to be poor than to lose a father.. but now, we're poor and we dont have a father.. Ramadhan is coming soon. I hope to see you, babah.. Nobody is helping us now.. I dont mind if i dont even have a penny, but i need you babah.. WHY??! Why is this happening? Im losing it right now.. Im losing my mind.. aah, this is insane.. I cant cry in front of mami and everybody.. My pride wont let me. So when im alone, i cry as hard as i can........

no title available.

i wanted to believe in lots of things.. but why is it so hard? i miss my babah... last week i went to mumong to clean up our house.. but ended up crying on pa's bed.. he should be there.. :'( sometimes i even feel him here.. he was a brave man.. it was all so sudden.. it hurts me inside.. some people even made fun of him without knowing what really happened.. have you guys ever wonder what i feel? what my mom felt? your rude comments. not cool dude, not cool.. we suffer a lot because of what you guys did.. id be lying if i told you that i never wish to hurt each and everyone of you.. nowadays, people tend too ignore us.. and yes, i do not wish to be in this state. this is fucked up...

i think about babah everynight.. and that old man, HAJI T... i enjoyed counting my hair as it fell.. i enjoyed the migrain you gave me.. you really think you can hurt me with your so-called power? youre fucking kidding me.. i really wish i could say that on your face.. but you havent call us.. and just in case youre thinking of threatening us AGAIN, i'll make you suffer.. aah, you know, speaking of power, you really did make me laugh back then.. seriously? have you had no other choice to make? i mean, you could beg like a piece of shit.. err wait, you are a piece of shit.. i want people to know you so bad.. i mean, its not fair for me that you've embarrassed my family. but youre living your life as if nothing happened. what you did, what youre doing and what you will do, will not change a thing.. i resent an asshole like you..!! but i just hope you're safe~ *grin*

Wednesday

Hello guys..

I went on a picnic with my family and my baby at Tasek Merimbun today. It was fun but i cried while crossing the bridge. Damn it..! It was so scary.. The fact that that Tasek has buaya in it made me go crazy.. ish, but thanks to my baby for being there with me.. :) I Love You Baby....

its just another celebration...

today, my family and i went on a picnic at sg liang.. my baby came too.. :)

aah, im speechless tonight.. honestly, i just wanna say 'HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, BABAH..! :)' thats it..

well then, bye..!

breath of life... just breathe it out..

:)

wee, finally, new photos..

Photo

abc and 123

hello.. sorry for the long lost updates.. ive been so lazy and messed up. so i guess now is the right time for me to do something.. :)

first, anniversary, it turned out so well.. it was lovely and i dont know how to describe it.. its, MAGICAL...! :D

and its been nearly a month or two since ive got my driving license.. but since im unemployed, i just wander around sana sini ambil antar my sis and stuff.. waa, so boring.. :(

okay, enough with little updates. now its time for me to becerita.. for the past few weeks, i kept on dreaming about dad and grandpa and those whos not around anymore.. its weird and makes me upset.. hmm, if theres any way to change the dreams, i would change it to something better.. but the bad dreams also come with a small percentage of hope.. gaah, i dont know whats wrong with me.. and i usually sleep around 6 am.. i look like crap already.. i need to sleep so bad..

ohh and, i just watched korean drama secret garden.. it was magnificent.. i love it. i love it. i love it..!! i know that its so last year.. but i dont think it will ever gets old.. its not as cliche as i thought it would be.. so if you havent watch it, do it..! do it right now...! okay, now that sounds lame.. anyway, just go and watch it, okay?

aah, im so lonely right now. and its currently 04:15 am.. aah yes, did i tell you that im doing nail art lately? well, im doing nail art lately.. :) i'll upload some pictures of it later.. that is of course, ONLY if im not lazy.. so, adios amigos..!! (i dont even know if the spelling is right)

random thought

-the person who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard you are to handle. but still wants you in his life..

my friend wrote this on her page.. and its so sweet... but i wonder if that kind of love still exists... :/

Yiruma - Moonlight

guys, do listen to this masterpiece by yiruma.. i dont know if youve heard of this.. but if you havent, please please please listen to it.. you wont regret it.. and yiruma is the best guys, uwaaaa~

γιατί είναι τόσο λάθος, όταν αυτό είναι σωστό;

i cant wait for our anniversary.. :')

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on 27th May..

isnt this one of the sweetest thing youve ever heard?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSYNk0WKcsk

do try to listen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6w_zLMM0qPE&NR=1


one of the best song EVER.. trust me guys.. :)

babah

babah, i passed my driving test, just like you wanted. but if only you could see me now. see mom smiling when i told her about it.. the joy she had before she mentioned about how wonderful it would be if youre still around.. i wish you could see me... see me when i get married. see me when i raise my child..

i know youre here.. but why cant i see you bah? my chest, its heavy when i think of you.. and everytime we eat outside, it feels weird with one seat empty.. YOU SHOULD BE THERE WITH US..!!

and im so so sorry that i havent visit you ever since youre not here.. its hard for me bah.. sometimes i just sit and stare blankly when i sit in your car.. and i wonder, what were you thinking one second before it all happened? i wish i could save you.... i wish i could save you.... i wish i could save you.... but i guess Allah loves you more that us..

do you know what made me like this? the unfairness..!!! we get to be like this but that old man gets to laugh and acts like nothing happens..?? i would kill him with my bare hands if its not because of mami.. but i know that mami would never forgive that piece of shit.. and so do i....

title not available.

hello world..

im not feeling very well right now. my whole body hurts.. i had a tournament match on friday. it was okay and as i said on behalf of my sister, 'with a twist of emotional..' :) bruises are everywhere.. not literally.. i have 3 or 4 bruises just on my leg. and well, i had a match with two girls.. erra and fitri if im not mistaken. i know theyre not reading this so, lets just call them that, okay?

so, first, a match with erra, she won. but i feel sorry for her.. i accidentally punched her face probably so hard (according to her) but i actually didnt do it that hard.. i mean, come on, its called karate not ballet.. but anyway, she cried.. so i had to go a little easy on her. (an excuse so that i would still look cool eventhough i didnt win that round) sensei said i kinda swing my arm and it was sorta unacceptable. but what the hell. i dont really care. and erra was probably mad so she punched me at the pit of my stomach.. i had gastric as the result of the punches she threw at me.. :( and she accidentally kicked my leg. of course, i 'accidentally cussed'..

next match was with fitri.. she kicked my leg at the same spot erra did earlier. and again, of course, i cussed.. but i punched her face too.. ohh man, that was wicked.. :) aah, sorry fitri.. :) this time, i won.. my adrenaline was pumping as soon as i thought about dad.. :( i kept spinning around during the one-minute match since i got stuck at the corner of the mat. and sensei warned me to not to spin around. 3 times and im out.. so, the match was kinda funny. my mom even laughed while recording..

last but not least, i won third place.. my sis got second place.. so guys, should i upload the videos for you to see? :) nah, i kidddddd.. but i think i will upload it.. only if im not busy.

so, im out.. salam guys.. :)


aah, so cold, my body is so heavy.. mom, im sick.. :( meds... meds... i need meds....

more photos

me

this was taken by lil jirapah (my sis) and i cropped it since my cousin arent very happy with her part next to me. and i noticed that my mouth looks kinda not normal.. for your information, i was eating COMBOS... get it? combos guys? the very best snack ever~ waaaaa...

photomania (not really)

YOU CANNOT NOT LIKE HER..!! :)

my cute lil cuzzy.. :) isnt she a cutie?

the remake of twilight book cover.. :)

ladybug and strawberry

photos of the day...

so, my adik and i had some kind of 'outing' this evening. and took lots of photos. so, these two are the photos of the day.. :) will upload more soon..

some random midnight story...

hi guys.. :)

quiet night, isnt it? soo soo dull, aahhh.. anyway, i made french tip on my nails.. too bad its kinda smudgy.. sally hansen has the best nailpolish eveeeeerrr.. haha. it lasts up to 10 days.. seriously guys..

by the way, my mom wants to visit um, lets just say my mom wants to visit my dad, okay? so, yea, my mom wants to visit my dad this friday (tomorrow).. i am not excited.. :( i told my mom that im not ready to visit dad.. well, mom understands. but someday, i need to get over it.. its just that right now is not a right time for me to do that... i dont wanna end up crying hysterically.. i love my dad so much that i dont wanna face the reality.. i might come but, i dont know.. im planning on making my baby come with me if im going to visit dad tomorrow. life is so complicated.. :/ and everything we do reminds us of dad.. do you have any idea how mentally painful is that.... im not saying that its a burden, no no no.. its just hard for us to move on if each and every memories we had keep on popping in our mind.. you want an honest answer? i dont think ive accepted the fact that im an orphan.. and the old man i mentioned on my older post, i dont know why i cant forget him.. his face, that disgusting look on his face, it stucks on my head.. i shouldve seen it coming... i shouldve seen it coming... i shouldve seen it coming... I SHOULDVE SEEN IT COMING... I SHOULDVE SEEN IT COMING...!!!!!

That old bastard... old old bastard... if i were to see you again, ...........................................................
I hope youre safe, old man..

okay guys.. im done.. im officially sick after talking about that old dickface... :s

i stand my ground for babah...

Salam babah..

I wonder how've you been... Im so sorry aku nada lawat babah.. 'Aku takut' is all I can say. Sometimes, aku lupa babah inda balik lagi.. I keep hearing your voice. I keep remembering the old times.. And I keep telling myself that this is REALITY.. Damn, it hurts. Honestly, I don't know why lately aku tend to avoid orang yang tend to make friends with me.. And everytime durang tanya pasal my family, I wish I can run from it.. I dont want mami to see me crying over you, babah... But I know mami feels the same way like I do.. There are so many things I wanna do with you in it.. Can I pretend like you're still around bahh? I wish to see you, sekali saja kalau bullih... I wanna tell you how much aku sayang babah...

Babah, look after me, will ya? We will always LOVE you babah...

im an alien

so, hi guys.. its kinda slow today. and i dont know why i always babble when i feel so slow..

anyway, katy perry's E.T is so cool..! not like crazily cool.. for me its just wicked..!! and i love her blue purple make up in the vid. makes me wanna put on a make up... ohh, and a cover for that song is awesome.. its by Tyler Ward.. And here's the link..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ylyBq1OFaY



by the way, i dont really know what to write. so, i think this is it..

bye and salam.. :)

That seriously pisses me off...

Today i went shopping with my mom and cousins aaand sisters. But thats another story.. What im about to tell you is kinda lame...? o.o

Anyway, my sis and i went to this one shop at the mall. And as usual, a salesgirl will follow you around, right? And then this one bitch, she followed us around while my sis and i go through the whole lame clothing line. After that, she went to her friends and her friends were like one step closer to us.. that bitch went on mengusut macam apa saying 'ehh, ngalih jua ku pusing pusing ani ehh..! macam kana bawa meround bah..!' That moment, i was like 'she didnt just say that..' but she did.. and not to mentioned, ia cakap basar basar.. what?? so we could hear you?? bukan atu saja, she also ketawa macam mengucap.. like, one of her friends tanya, 'yang mana satu kan?' and ia seemed to be bagi signal pakai mata pointing arah my sis.. and then kawannya said 'bah, cuba kau tunjukkan dapan dapan' lapastu, that B pose..! macam, you know that pose where you bend your body like seducing people, right? (not that aku pernah cuba) but she actually did that infront of aku and kaka ku. That was rude.. so rude that i felt like punching her boobs. (it rhymes, i know) lapastu ketawa katawa.. macam, whats your point?? kalau ganya kan show off yang diri atu murah, inda payah dapan kami, okay?

Thats the thing with teenage yang cematu yang ngam tekana kraja cematu... What the HELL people?? Seriously, we both know yang bila dapan lelaki, kamu lanji..! damn it..! she ruined my day.. So the whole time i was there, aku balik balik sindir ia.. I even said yang ia LAME..! but as usual, binibini cematu manatau malu..

Im not saying that im better than her. Im saying that im much much more better than her.. Just kidding guys.. :D BUT YOU KNOW ITS TRUE.....!!

To the girl, if you happened to read this.. Well, i wanna say few things to you..


Dear girl,

I am offended with what you did to us this evening.. I didnt come to your place of work just to see you bitch around. And if you really wanted to bitch around, then bitch somewhere else where I cant see you.. In your room, perhaps? Or in the toilet? Kitchen? Garage? Storage area? Wastage area? (okay, knock it off..!) And take off that lame bandana.. That thing is so 20 years ago.. Wait, lets just make it 10 years ago.. Honestly, I feel sorry for you. I was once a salesgirl, so, i understand youre frustration.. So listen to me, when some people dont wanna purchase anything from your store, dont take it out on innocent people like me.. If youre fed up with it, then quit your job and get a real life, okay? If you still wanna work there but too lazy to follow around when there are customers, cut your legs off.. I'd be happy to do it for you. anyway, i dont wanna babble too much.. So, i just hope youre safe.. And if you tend to hate my words, Ive got a much better one for you.. Eat up all the things Ive said to you so that you know whats good and bad for you.. Keep it in your mind, kid..!


So, thats all for tonight.. Salam guys and love ya.. (NOT)

yea, and im like WOW....

So, this is going to be some random rants. or not.. but anyways, sometimes i feel like making a vlog.. but i totally think that its NOT a very good idea.

recently, ive been kinda bad. well, not badly bad.. but like, bad. you know what i mean? so, theres this video of someone doing something that some people doesnt, (or dont?) like. and of course, thats how i got the idea for being bad.... (?) is my english right? okay, this is awkward.. um, so, after watching this vid, i was like 'this person is f*cked up..!' i instantly hate this person and i wrote a comment. after a while, my comment became one of the top comment.. so, another person wrote a comment telling those who hates this person to back of and to leave this person alone.. ironic, i know.. and i replied that person's comment. we were kinda like fighting and then maybe that person accidentally replied it to a wrong person.. so i stopped... and then i saw another video of the f*cked up person.. and this time i was like 'whadda hell??' and i wrote another comment.. honestly, i feel sorry for this person.. but i hate it... i hate this person so much that now, i dont feel sorry for this person... soooo, is it bad for me to hate this person if this person is so annoying. and what this person said in all of the videos are annoyingly irritating..... do you know what i mean guys?

and last few days, i was sent to the emergency after i passed out at my work.. err place of work? i dont know guys.. im kinda lost these days.. that explains why im being hyper for no reason and also lost for words.. also for no reason at all. gosh, i think i better stop.. eventhough i dont feel like stopping. argh... i cant stop... okay, i'll stop now.. in 3... 2... 1... Bye and Salam.....

tick tock tick tock

Today is so friggin slow.. The business is slow. The people are slow. I am slow... So boring.. I desperately need my baby.. :'( baby, i need you.. I need you so bad.. Aah, boredom~

At times like this, id be sleeping inside my sleeping bag. Ive been yawning for way too many times that now i dont know how to close my mouth.

Home, home, home.. Uh, batah ehh..!

testing testing 123 ABC

If you read this, i wanna let you know that i come in peace and take me to your leader...!!

I am posting this post via handphone. So, im posting via handphone. *awkward* If you happened to read this, then, youre reading this, um, okay, bye..

Sometimes, life is just, painful....

An uncle who is a backstabber.. Relatives who are pretty much the same.. And an old man who is a murderer.. That's pretty much it. Dont you think life would be AWESOME without these kinds of people.. A pain in the ass, thats who they are.. One thing they have in common is that they are obsessed with money..

I must admit, i want them to be extinct from the surface of this earth..! I just want them to stop taking advantages from us.. What?? You think we're that stupid now that we dont have a father?? Fuck you..! Seriously, just fuck off..! You jerks make us hate you...

Kalau banar banar mau kaya, pakai jalan lurus.. Inda payah kan maakan harta anak yatim.. Guess what?? satu sen pun inda kami kan halalkan.. Cakap bukan main, kesiankan kami anak beranak laaa. Tapi, action yang kamu buat, contradicting..! Please laa. Kami inda mau putuskan hubungan silaturahim since tani saudara.. Tapi, if kami kan buat cematu jua, cuba kamu pikir, salah siapa tu?? Salah kamu waa.. salah kamu..!!!!!! Sadang sadang kan buduh ani baa.. Pintar lagi anak damit.. Thats the problem, as kamu makin tua, makin jahil.. makin babal.. Do you think idup kamu bahagia lapas makan harta orang? well, you might be kaya, but trust me, sesaat pun inda kamu kan bahagia tu..!!

I kinda feel lonely tonight...

And I miss you, baby~ Im supposed to be sleeping right now.. plus, im tired after long hours of training buuuuuuut, i just cant sleep.. :(

new photo..

err horrey? anyway, here it is...






ohh man, i actually think im getting fat and flaps..

IMPORTANT NOTE...

Hey guys.. So, I just wanna let you know that my lil sister who is known for her amazing work with photography and editing and stuff (not really :p) well, she has a blog specifically for all the work she made. And make sure you check it out.. I'll put the link below..

http://najihajhs.blogspot.com/


If you really like her work, then, tell her to thank me. HAHA..

The Migraine.

Crap, Im having a migraine again today. It just makes you wanna take out your brain and wash it with cold water. And because of that, I've been sleeping nearly for 24 hours. Is my english right? Thats the thing, when im having a migraine, i cant do things right. My hands are shaking and i keep sweating. Wow, it rhymes. Anyway, Im done. Bye..

Actually Im not done..

Last night, my baby and I watched LOTR trilogy and we kinda get sleepy after nearly 2 hours sitting and staring at the screen. My eyes got tired and my arse was numb. And I LOVE YOU, BABY~

And mus wanted to come over this evening but i had to cancel it because of this migraine. Sorry mus. fyi, i took a sleeping pill to ease the pain so i change my mind about wanting to go to the hospital for a checkup.

Now Im officially done. Salam guys.

WOW

okay, this is not really a 'wow moment'.. But, i kinda feel like improving my blog.. so, i added the blog's stat thingy and honestly, i am kinda excited to see that my blog has been seen for more than 600 times even though 80% of it was me.

La mia confessione

Ciao amico .. Mi dispiace dirtelo ma per qualche motivo, non mi piace la vostra famiglia per quello che tuo nonno ha fatto per la mia famiglia. È buffo se ci penso .. Come vorrei poter tornare indietro nel tempo e finire tutto prima ancora di iniziare ... Va bene allora, io sono così fatto ..

Io so che le cose cambieranno dopo questo. ma bisogna ammettere, si farà la stessa cosa se fossi in me ...

crap..

ive changed my post's fonts several days ago but i dont know why it changes to normal fonts back. uh, ive refreshed the page for like, hundreds time but the result is still the same..

gravity helped.

I had migraine today. It was super duper painful. It felt like my head is going to blow, uh.. I didnt have any meds so i spent the whole day sleeping. And then, i fell from my bed so hard that my head hit the floor like 'BANG...!!!' And amazingly, ive recovered from my migraine..


Okay okay, i lied.. I didnt fall nor recovered from migraine. Actually, im still having a severe migraine.. I can hardly see and move. Damnit..!

*awkward*

I think about lots of things when i take a shower.. I asked people, how many balloons does it take to make a human fly? But then i realised that i am surrounded by modern tech, i could just google it.. So i did, it takes up to 5000 to 6000 balloons to lift a human. That is of course, the balloon must be filled with helium.

I also googled why lizards poo has a white tip at the end of it. so the white tip is a form of urea. And lizard has only one hole to excrete wastage. Cool eh?

updates

i just activated my youtube account. yayy for me? well, its for the sake of commenting and liking videos. and also subscribing.. :D so its currently filled with '0 uploads' and '1 favorites'. i wont be uploading any videos right now nor later. if i have guts, i probably would. but then, what videos would i make, duhh..

woosh~ im so cold and still have a flu. sob sob.. i also realized that posting something on my blog is fuuuun although no one reads it.. aah, i need to do something useful with my life, seriously..

Sangyou beri matchi

Baby, thanks for accompanying me last night. And also for hanging out with me today. I had fun :) but too bad i wasnt feeling very well. The electricity was down this morning so i had to take a shower with cold water, no, icy water. it was so cold that now, i can barely talk properly since i have a flu. And my stomach aches a lot today but absolutely not because of number 2.. Ohh crap, my feet are numb right now.. :s

Okay, enough with the updates. I need to get some sleep now..

Bye~

duhh

I am very very very very bored and sunyi right now.. :(

Everybody is asleep and i dont know what to do, uh.. And since tomorrow is sunday, i pretty much have nothing to do.. wait, everyday is sunday for me.. dull and boring.. im thinking about going out tomorrow.. absorbing the sunlight and stuff.. :D i havent been going out of my house since ages.. i wanna go swimming and jogging or hiking.. but as usual, im so sure i'll end up being very lazy and laying on my bed...

Ohh boyfriend~ why are you not here right now?? i need you so bad.. uh, its frustrating to be alone.. Youre probably fine with it.. But im not okay with it, okay?? ish, so alone.. so so alone... huh, i wanna skip this day..........

The moon shines tonight...

Tonight, i wont write crappy post. I just need to get this thing out of my head..

Okay, lets just start with how i became like this... First, it was only because of one tiny bone fragment.. And then, i don't know if its connected with this story.... My whole body started to ache like hell.. I cant stand up too long. I cant sit too long. I cant squat too long and i cant even lay on my bed too long.. So i pretty much cant do anything.. my bones keep making this cracking sound.. I don't know what the hell is wrong.. Even the doctors I've met didn't know what the hell is wrong with me.. In my mind, i kept thinking 'what if this thing is deadly?' i know it sounds dramatic but if you're in my position, you'll know what i feel.. On that day onward, I'm starting to be more um, paranoid and acting pretty strange. I keep doing things as if i wont still be here tomorrow.. I kiss my mom at night. i even hug her.. I cried when I'm unable to meet my boyfriend.. its not about if you cant make it next week, baby.. It was never about it.. Its about me.... What if i cant make it next week or the other week and another and another... everyday, this cracking sound gets worst, even the pain is unbearable.. and i didnt go to any appointments anymore. I needed some sort of painkiller but the doctor only gave me this multivitamins which i get everytime i went to the hospital.. that thing you called multivitamins doesnt make me okay... I just need the damn painkiller...

And i missed you, dad.....

you just cant trust them....

How would you feel if you have to face the fact that you have to see the killer's house every single day in your life and those people who wanted to help you are those who would backstabbed you the most..
Then, every single time they came, you had to fake your smile and laughter just so they dont know.

When they treated you like some kind of dolls, that they dont even like.............. uh, theres no point of saying this.. People always take advantages upon those whos having difficulties in life..


FIN

new photos

i got so bored and so i took photos of me. and i realised that its been ages since i last took a photo of myself..

baby

too bad we forgot to take photos together..

18.02.2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY~



with love, nuramira.. :)

TASTE ME, DRINK MY SOUL.....

Aaah, the connection is so friggin lagg right now. And i seriously hate it when it happens..

Anyway, just a quick update, im excited about my baby's birthday on 18th. Aaaand, im going to have a driving license soon.. :)

The truth behind everything...

So I spoke to my mom about makan 100.. I suggested for it to be held here instead of di KB.. But my mom barat hati kan decide.. She doesnt want orang kampung to humiliate us. And she mention about the retarded old man.. IF jadi disini, we're gonna have to jemput orang masjid and, not to mention the old man is one of orang masjid. We personally INDA MAU ia datang. But kalau orang lain tau pasal atu, we'd leave a bad image.. Uh, payah payah..

Macam, our life disini is like in a trap.. Bila bila masa bulih ancur.. Ohh mom, I wish I can get us outta here. Kan keluar rumah pun kami dua tiga kali pikir..

아아 .. 이건 정말 아파 ... 우리는 고립된 느낌이 ..

엄마, 난 당신이 당황하거나 화를 싶지 않아 .. 다 이유가있어서 일어난다 .. 우리는 천 가지 이유로 살 .. 뭐라고 아빠, 그는 안전한 우리에게 그것을 한 .. 제가 미친 걸 알아요 ..백만 년 처음에 나는 그가 실제로 그렇게 할 것이라고 생각합니다. 모든게 너무 재미있어 보였 ... 그리고 .......

난 변했어 .. 자, 난 혼자 있고 무서워요 .. 난 혼자라는 느낌이 싫어. 자, 모두 너무 무뎌 ..........

sunday baby

So, last sunday, i spent most of the day with my baby.. And being his "ikong" masa ia mesin rumput is pretty tiring.. And i took photos of him bekeraja which he forbids me from displaying it here.. But i wanna at least post 1 photo, so this is it..



I LOVE YOU BABY..!

Old bitch gone wild..

And so the title says it all. The old man from my previous post went nuts about money, calling and threatening us like a mother'F'ing bitch..!

Yea, ia cakap kan sembayang hajat supaya kami anak beranak mati accident.. Well, listen FUCKER, daripada kau minta hajat cematu, baik pulang kau minta supaya lakas kaya, inda jua kau macam urang sial cari duit. And ya cakap yang babah datang dalam mimpinya suruh ia minta duit arah kami.. And I was like 'HAHA, KAN MATI BUNYINYA..!!' how about this, AKU MIMPI BABAH BALIK, ADA YA BALIKKK??!!! Urang tua CELAKA..!! SADANG SADANG tah kau kan mengacau kami, banartah.. JANGAN BUAT THINGS JADI WORST..! You wont like it, caya tah..

Kau becakap pasal syurga neraka, ADA KAU PIKIR APA DUSANYA MENDUAKAN TUHAN?? sampai kau bawa durang anak mu mencari mama ku.. KENAPA?? Inda kau tekabir kan menguruskan sendiri?? Now kau probably sadar yang kau tua sudah, and inda mampu kan datang sini sendiri, becakap sendiri dapan dapan.. Sudah kami highlight salah mu, gagap gagap kau menjawab, sial..!!

Yang paling PALUI, ia suruh kami bagi ya duit as soon as kami ada duit.. HELLO, we've been starving for nearly 2 months.. Kau pun tau.. Tapi, since hati mu lagi hina dari hati binatang, i didnt expect kau kan merati. Babal kau aa..

Did I mention yang everytime kau call, aku dapat rasa this rotten taste in my mouth.. And then aku realise, its you, kau yang buaat aku rasa cematu.. You, rotten dog shit..! youre that disgusting..

THIS TIME, i'll make kau nangis darah, melutut, minta maaf arah mami ku....

YOU, yea YOU, tell him to just SHUT THE FUCK UP.. We both know who you are, whos your family.. Dont tell me kau indakan bagitau ia just because kau kan jaga atinya.. I'd be laughing my ass off kalau atu jawapan mu. I have to jaga ati mami ku yang urang tua atu sakitkan.. Nah, bandingkan tia..

Everyday, I have to fight with the fact yang ati kami pun ikut sakit ulehnya. I have to pretend like everythings okay just so my mom bulih senyum.. And the hardest part is that i have to AVOID every conversation yang ada kana mengana pasal duit when the truth is that kami satu sen pun nada.. Happy kau ka meliat kami cematu, ohh right, kau rotten shit jua, pfft, as if kau ada perasaan..

Uh, banar... No matter berapa post pun ku buat, sampai bila bila pun inda ku kan puas ati.. I personally mau liat kau rasa apa babah rasa before everything happened..


Mudahan jua, all the bad things kau doakan kami atu, tebalik arah mu. Tau tah kau apa rasanya...!!

Day by day, every fault kau buat, I'll reveal bit by bit pasal kau.. I dont care about anything.. Bukan ku inda tau kau siapa. Semua jua orang kenal kau disini ni.. Beside, kami nada papa kan dirugikan.. semua tu salah mu.. Lapastu, I'll enjoy meliat idup mu ancur with hummiliation.. sama macam kau enjoy meliat idup kami nada babah..

It is meant to be...

The pressure makes us stronger.

The struggle makes us hunger.

The hard lessons make a difference, and the difference makes it worth it....

What I missed the most

My Baby~




and my monkeys..

love letter

shed a tear and sing for me

I gotta say, its good when we have someone whos willing to listen to every word we say.. Then again, those kind of people, they're very hard to find.. SERIOUSLY..!

and when it rains......

I used to like it when its raining during the day.. It gave me this warmness.. Now, when it rains during the day, i feel sick.. As if the dark sky would crush me..

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I miss you, babah..

If youre here, I would ask you,

how are you bahh?

hows your day?

are you feeling well right now?

do you miss kami?

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where are you now?

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where are you now?

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where are you now?

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our life masani, not as great as before. now, sorang sorang kecarian..

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Im sorry aku nada lawat babah.. Its not that I dont want to. Im just not ready. I dont wanna cry bila disana. I know you would be upset too if I cry... Next time, InsyaAllah, aku baca yaasin untuk babah.. One day, when im ready to face the world...

I still wonder,why do I feel this way.. Forgive me for all my sins arah babah.. I know I wasnt an excellent daughter.. Im not saying that I am, now.. But I feel like I am improving..

I never had a chance to know you well, and you never had a chance to know me well.. But I know youre a good father..

Now, sudah 1 month and 2 days since you were gone...

WE LOVE YOU, BABAH..