my lalala mind

i'm not sure what i wanna talk about. so this time, i think i'm just going to write about things on my mind, okay..
well, for some reason, i'm missing grandpa so bad. and i miss my boyfriend who is probably sleeping right now. and i'm super bored. hell bored.. i've been thinking about things i did. i think, i should apologise to my bestfriend. the one i hurt really bad. i mean, i wanted to. like, really really wanted to. but, i don't have guts. aaand, now i realize that i'm not a good friend. well, not good enough to be someone's bestfriend. at least we had a real good time back then.. darn it! i shouldn't have been so rude toward him that day. i told him that i don't wanna see him again. and i mean it. okay okay, forget it. despite the fact that i'm full of shit right now, i'm happy that i spent my time yesterday with my boyfriend. well, i'm so grateful to have him, to have known him. he's everything to me.. and i love him so much..

Happy Two Months Anniversary

the title has it all..
I Love you Sayang~

bestfriend

aah, i can't believe that this is happening! i feel guilty for turning my back on him. i ignored him. i wanna tell him that i'm so so so so sorry. but i just couldn't. he smiled. yet i gave a cold look at him. i shouldn't do that. i'm sorry. okay, i'll explain from the beginning, okay. i was stress. i thought that 'thing' could help me. and i needed you to listen to me. you did. but then labelling me as something i hate won't help okay. so the real reason why i've been doing all this to you is because i'm ashame to face you. your family. not to mention the part where you told your mom about me. i understand that you thought it would help me. people make mistakes, buddy. including me. so i'm sorry. i hope you read this. after all, i made you hate me. you'd probably won't forgive me. it's up to you. i'll move on eventhough it'll leave me a bad memory. i really am sorry..

if it's hard for you, then leave me alone.

a friend of mine, well a very very best bestfriend of mine had been there for me. he had been listening to all my problems. i never thought that it would create a chaos scene between us. it's like, i'm drowning myself in an ocean of humiliation. yet, he still wants to solve my problem. please, just leave me alone, okay. don't get me wrong. it's just that i worsten everything when i have problems. including our friendship. so i guess i accidentally dragged you deep down into this with me. (what i did was just a small matter. i know you hate it. i just couldn't stop.) i should've keep it all to myself in the first place. but i was desperate. i needed someone. aah, this is embarrassing. now i feel like i don't wanna see you anymore. i so need to get away from all this. i promise you that i won't tell you anything after this. blame my stupidity for all this. i'm so sorry..

my family

just shoot me already

i'm tired of this shit. why is it all about money? about this goddamn money! mom, please listen! i need no money to survive. it's them. they need it. why me mom? why?! don't leave us. just tell me if you hate seeing me. then i'll leave for good. you must be wondering why do you gave birth to a troublemaker daughter like me. stab my heart if you want to put it to an end. i'll be doing you a favor if i'm not around anymore. isn't it mom? huh? tell me what i said is true. i'm the reason why you can't move on with your life just like how you imagined your life would be. misunderstanding leads to disaster, mom. you misunderstood my intentions. can't you listen carefully? i agreed with what you said. i give you a heartache. can't you see that i'm suffering of heartache too? huh mom? life with you in it makes everything hard for me. i am a spoiled brat. i just need you to love me. am i asking too much?!

i'm superb bored.

i am so out of ideas. i don't know what to do. i don't know what i SHOULD do. it's 3.30 am. i'm waiting for 4.30 am. i wanna help my mom cooking for my sister to be brought to school. aaaah, i can't sleep. and i don't want to coz i might be having difficulties waking up at 4.30 am afterward. gosh.. i wish there's somebody with me right now. i'm hungry and i'm scared to go to the kitchen. i read ghost stories just now. so my emotional is kinda unstable right now. okay, that was dramatic.. huh. please, i wan't to sleep so bad. but i can't. boo hoo. this is sickening...

i miss them so much.

grandpa. i miss you so much. sometimes it feels like as if you're still around, advicing me every morning.. i remembered you saying 'mi, pagi pagi ani cubatah senyum. sedakah tu namanya.' i never had a chance to say how blessed i feel when you're around. not even once. God, help me. i can't move on with this feeling inside me. i just can't leave all the memories i had with grandpa..

my friends. i miss you guys. it has been a very very very very long time since we last met. i'm gaining weight by the way. how are you guys been doing? hows your life? i wanna know so bad.

eins. not to forget, my boyfriend, im missing you, baby.. i want to spend more time with you. i want you to be next to me. i'll never get tired of it. seeing you smiling at me, brighten my day. if i could hold you, i will. i won't let you go.. now you have my word. I WON'T LET YOU GO..

my posts might not be entertaining.

yes. i've noticed that my posts are lacking of photos. sorry guys. the title has it all... it might not be entertaining. yea yea. it's always about me and my love life. blame my emotions for all these posts. i'm just being me. writing what i want to write. i'm not begging for your sympathy everytime i wrote topics about sad things that happened to me. it's life, dude.. read my posts or leave me alone with all my lame posts. i don't really mind.. okay then, i'm off. i might continue writing, but i might not. sorry.

if that's the way how life should be.

i'm not quite sure what i wanna talk about. it's just that, i watched several movies that highlighted the real fact about this life. i bet you know these movies... 'romeo and juliet' 'titanic' 'becoming jane' 'the pride and prejudice' . each movies ended with happy endings in sad endings. it's the love life that i'm talking about. they were the most sweet things i've ever seen. i've always like that kind of stories. it's not always happy, but it's not always sad either. aah, it's just perfect..

how grateful i am to have him in my life. i love you, eins.

eins, eins, eins. do you know how much i LOVE(i rarely use this word) you? you're a part of me now. i won't let you go. not that easy. i'm playing a good girlfriend role but i'm so sorry that you have to live with the imperfect me. i'm not trying to be perfect. i never were. i just hope that you like the real me. i know you don't really know me. i'm not hiding anything. just let me know if you wanna know facts about me. then i'll let you know everything. and i mean, EVERYTHING. i was a naive little girl. now i'm a grown up. i'm missing you every second, honey. i'll hold this relationship as long as i can. and as long as you want me to. i need you to be right here with me. you're different from everybody i know. that what makes you special. your smile always makes me feel happy. and with you in my life, it makes me feel like i'm the luckiest girl in this whole universe. i don't want this feelings to fade away. as long as you're with me, i'll make sure you won't regret the desicions you made. i love you, eins.

metal for soul. yet, i still know who i am.

ya know, i know this guy who labels me as poser just because i listen to some metal songs and i'm wearing all black. i love black. first, because black hides my FLAPS! second, black suits my skin tone. i just don't get it why people hate me for that. well, let me tell you this, YOU, THE ONE WHO LABELS YOURSELF AS METAL AND GOTHIC AND EMO AND PUNK, JUST BACK OFF OKAY. MY STANDARD IS WAY TOO HIGH FOR A SHITFACE LIKE YOU TO JUDGE. IF I NEVER MESS WITH YOUR LIFE, DON'T MESS WITH MINE COZ I MIGHT MESS YOURS TWICE AS BAD. and yes, i wear ladies-wear too, and so what?! i don't do 'show-off' okay. actually, in this case, you're the poser. dressing up with too much shit. way too much. can't you dress like normal people do? ohh, i forgot, you're just craving for my attention right?yes, you did it. you got all my attentions. yet, you still look like a pile of shit. enough okay. just get out of my life. and let me mind my own business.

the new me

i've changed actually. and i have a new boyfriend.. the one i wrote about months ago.. eins. ring a bell? i'm happy with him and i really hope that he'll be my last boyfriend. like, i wanna have a serious relationship.. you feel me guys? anyway, i think that's it.

sorry

i've been AWAY for ages due to lacking of ideas on what topic to talk about.