Every year during AidilAdha, we celebrate it. Well, small celebration actually. Just us. But, this year. It's different. Since my Grandpa passed away on 12.10.2008, everything changed. This house is kinda dull now.
This morning when I woke up, I heard the Azan for the AidilAdha. For some reason I felt like Grandpa was sitting on the chair he used to sit watching the TV. I smiled for a while. And when I remembered that Grandpa's no longer with us, I cried and fell asleep. I wish it was all just a nightmare. But, God loves him more than we do. But because of that, my uncle changed. Now, he visit us like twice a month. During the past year, he visited us for only once a year. And it was always on the very end of the year. And also everytime he's here, we hide in our room. He always complained about something. Well, I used to hate him actually. He adopted my little sister. A week before my Grandpa passed away, he told me not to be afraid of my uncle. And he even told me to be nice to him. Grandpa cried. He pretended like he's not crying. But, I saw him crying. I was going to cry but I laughed to prevent me from crying.
Past two years, during Hari Raya Aidilfitri, when my Grandpa was still healthy. We woke up early in the morning to get things ready. We gathered here. All of my uncles. Excluding my oldest uncle. The one I wrote about earlier. First we eat. Then, getting ready to ask for forgiveness from the oldest. It was fun. What I felt every First day Raya was totally different from any day. We visited our cousin's house together with my Grandpa. It was just fun. I can't really explain it here.
But this year's Raya, was different. We of course gathered first. Then off to the hospital since my Grandpa was in the hospital. My oldest uncle was already there in the morning. It was sad to see my Grandpa lying there having difficulties moving. I cried every time he smiled. He was our tower of strength. He was diagnosed with Pancreas cancer. Level two when the doctors found out about it. I was on my way home from school when my mom told me about it. I cried like I've never cried before. My mom told me not to cry infront of my Grandma because we don't want my Grandma to know. She already had a very hard time after she had mile stroke. In the evening, we went to the hospital visiting my Grandpa. He didn't know about it yet. He smiled when he saw us coming. I went straight to the toilet, crying. After a while, I get out from the toilet and sat next to my Grandpa. He asked me why my eyes were red. I told him that they're itchy. Then, he went down to the prayer room. I watched him left us for a while. Days after that he was sent to RIPAS Hospital. That's where he knew he had a cancer. He was so brave that he didn't even feel sad for even a second. He had chemo treatment. He once said that no matter what happened, he'll sure die because of this cancer. We told him not to said that. I believed that he'll make it through. We were always support him. Then, he got back from hospital. The same day, my Grandma went to the hospital. I took care of her. Then, she got out of the hospital. Then, we went to Seria because we were celebrating something which I cannot remember. Grandpa and Grandma were there. Everybody else too. But, Grandpa and Grandma had to go back early because Grandpa said that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I kissed and hugged him. I waved at them. Never thought that it was the last goodbye. And then the next morning, some people visited him. That day was so strange. People came by non-stop. Grandpa asked to read Yaasin for him. He was in agony. And then, when everybody went back, he said that he wanted to sleep. He was holding my Grandma's hand and my Grandma noticed that he isn't breathing. He called my uncle. At first I didn't know what was going on. My uncle asked where is my mother. I said she's in the living room. And at that moment, for some reason, I felt like something went terribly wrong. I ran to my Grandparent's room and saw my Grandma trying to wake my Grandpa up. She said that how will she lives without him. She cried and moved my Grandpa's body. He gave no response. Nothing. That's when I realized that he's gone. I cried. Right now too.
Life is difficult, right? I guess I'm just one of the people who can't accept the real thing. I hate changes. I don't know why. Still can't figure out the answer. But, I hope someday I will.
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