Can't get over everything!

I still can't get over it. I still dream about grandpa. He really was everything to me. When I was in trouble, he was the one who was there with me. Each memories I had with grandpa were the best memories I've ever had.
I Love you, Grandpa!

Finally!

Finally, I've talk to my mom. Didn't realize that we haven't speak for one week. Well, it started when I felt pain on my chest when we were having a breakfast in my sister's class. She had to work so we were kinda accompanied her. Then, she told me to drink water. I didn't respond. Then, she had to leave because she got to do something else. So I stayed with my sisters and my cousin. And I fell asleep. After that, my mom came to take us home. I was so sleepy that I forgot what happened between us. My little cousin fell. And I told my mom that he fell. So I guess we're cool now since I've spoke to her.

Still the same.

I still haven't talk to my mother. I'm kinda fed up, you know. Like, I sleep in the morning, to prevent from seeing my mother. I don't wanna look at her for the moment. It hurts. Beside, what's the point of looking at her if she keeps ignoring me. I feel so unappreciated. I wake up when she sleeps so I can only see my real mother. The one who never complained the imperfect me. I wanna hug her. But I'm afraid she might wake up. I'm begging for your love, mother. I'm having a very difficult time right now. I don't know what to do. I still cry whenever I remember things she said to me. It's offending. Really really, seriously offending. She made me fell bad for who I am.

She asked my cousin when will I talk to her. I said, I won't. 'cause, I know if I talk to her, she won't talk back nicely. I don't want that. I know I've grown up. But, inside, I'm still the child you used to play with. All the time, I thought I'm a good child. And you proved me wrong, mother. Thanks a lot!

Just now, she walked towards me. And gave me some foods. But, she didn't talk to me. And walk away. See what I mean? How cruel can you be? Gosh! I'm sick of this! If I sleep 24 hours, I won't have to see her ignoring me all the time. I won't even know if she's with me or near me. Stop it, mother! How many time should I tell you? It HURTS!!! I hate it! I really really do right now. Gosh! Look how stuphd it is to be in the middle. Sure she loves my big sister and my little sister MORE than me. I hate it!

For my Grandpa

I know we are all feeling a little bit sad,
That we've lost our Grandpa, our friend and our dad
Together we have cried an ocean of tears
As we feel so empty and hold many fears

But Grandpa would want us to know he's in a good place
And that he watching us all with a smile on his face
As we have made him so proud, as proud as can be
That he has raised such a beautiful and special family

Thinking back now I really must say
I feel lucky and privileged to have known Grandpa to this day
For in my life, you have played a special part
The memories I will treasure and keep close to your heart

For me I am glad the real me he got to meet
And for all of us, be grateful, his life is now complete
To each one of us he has loved and cared
And a family, be thankful for the good times we shared

Although he has gone we will always be together
And his spirit will live on each one of us forever
When you look to the sky, look for the brightest star
As that will be Grandpa looking down on us from afar

And now I would like to thank the good Lord above
For blessing us with our Grandpa with his kindness and love
Dear God, if it is not too much fuss
Take extra special care of our Grandpa as he is very dear to us

Grandpa if you are listening say a prayer for us every day
Be sure to protect us and guide us on our way
We know when God called you, you had to go
But we want you to know Grandpa we miss you and love you so

Feelings Of Abandonment

I keep looking for comfort from you

I sit and wonder if your love is true

You see me crying

Inside you have to know I'm dying

Don't you see these tears

Don't you see the hurt from so many years

The little girl that was hurt so bad

Is now 16 years old and utterly sad

No one to listen or even to talk to

Recalling memories that hurt me through and through

The things you ask of me

It triggers a memory

Memories I'd rather forget

Memories embedded in my mind, completely set

The hurt, the pain and anger won't go away

I wonder who "loves me" and will turn their back today

I can't explain how I feel inside

Feelings of abandonment rush in like the tide

Ghosts haunt me no matter where I go

I do love you still, that you should know

I wish you could understand

I would be there holding your hand

I would take away all your pain

So in the end, you'd have a life to gain

But for me, darkness is all I see

No happiness for this little girl is to be

The adult lives her life

Taking on happiness, sorrow and strife

I hope someday you'll understand

Someday I hope you'll be here to comfort me and hold my hand

Until that day all I feel is punishment

Along with those never-ending feelings of abandonment

My pathetic life.

I haven't talk to my mom since yesterday. So you can say I have a pretty stressful life for the moment. She's kinda mad at me because of something. I don't know why. And I wanna know why. I bet she doesn't even look at me. She ignores me I guess. It hurts you know. Like, this is the moment I felt like I need to run away. I looked at her. And she made me feel like I'm not even exist. She said something to me last few days. It still hurts whenever I remember things she said.I love her so much but I wonder, when she's mad at me, is there ever a time when she wanted me gone? I'm not over reacting. I just wanna know. This curiosity I have, I can't help it. I cheer her up whenever she's sad. Well, I tried..

Am I that bad, mother? Am I that worst? Am I different from those you love? Do you really love me? Have you ever love me? Do you know how I feel right now? Do you care about me? What if I'm gone? Will you be happy? I'm sorry that I'm your daughter, mother. But, you're the best. No matter how many times I have to choose someone else to be my mother, I will still choose you. No matter how strong you dislike me. I watched you sleep all the time. Have you ever dreamed of me? 'cause I have. Once, this dream was so wonderful that I wish I'd stay in bed forever. If that dream's for real, I'll be grateful. But will you? if that was your dream? Mother, I know I'm not perfect. I'm not even close to being perfect. Why can't you accept the imperfect human like me? I'm lacking of completeness. I'm fragile, mother. Why?! Why?! Why?! I don't know if you really understand me. But I'm you daughter!! I'm sick of this life!! Why can't you understand?!

This is me.

I can't sleep and tried to figure out what to do. And I came with this idea. Enjoy.. :]

I don't neither use my real name nor show myself. Basically, because I'm a shy type of person. It's just that I'm lack of confidence. Beside, I'm ugly. And I'm trying to prevent jerks from telling me how ugly I am. It's offending.

I cuss a lot when it comes to things I hate. When I use the word 'retarded', I don't necessarily mean retard retard. I use it to curse someone I hate when they're being stupid. I mean, why should they pretend to be stupid if they're normal. Sorry if it's offending.

Let's put it this way.. I'm a princess in a fairytale where happily ever after doesn't exist. I'm neither less nor more to being perfect. I've lots and lots of things I wanted to have. But, too bad I can't have all of them. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful with what I already have. My life is way too unimaginable. I have the coolest family ever. Not perfect. Just normal. Of course, my parents scold me sometimes. Just like last night. I don't know why my Mom was so mad at me. I haven't sleep cause' every time my mom's mad at me, I'll be having a nightmare. And I often cry whenever I'm having a nightmare. I'm not being childish. It's my nature. I love my family so much. They're everything to me. I'd rather die than have to be apart from them. I'm not being asskisser. What do you expect? I really do love them. And, my family is consists of people with crack minds. That's how things going on in my house.

I create my own imagination before I go to sleep. And forget about it when I wake up. And then, create another one the next day. I don't know if you could understand what I'm trying to say. But, that's exactly how it goes everyday. I'm afraid of the dark and thunder or lightning. Ever since my Grandpa passed away this year, I became more afraid of nearly everything. Well, not everything actually. Just some stuffs which I used to be not afraid. Ergh. I'm kinda dumb when it comes to explaining things. So, sorry if there's some complicated things I wrote.

I love teeth. haha. This is either funny or weird. I mean, I'm not too obsess with it. It's consider as beauty. Like, when I have a crush on someone, I normally say 'he has nice teeth.' What? It's true..! O.o

People often say I'm not like what they think I am. I mean, yea. At first you may not know me. But, when you know me better, you'll like me or hate me. I don't care. I'm just being me. It's not that I want you to hate me. It's your choice.

I want a love life like one of those Korean movies. It's typical. I know. But, who wouldn't want to marry a handsome guy and have a happy ending huh? I know it's difficult. No matter how deep you wish you had a love life like that. It can even be impossible. Like other people said. True love doesn't exist.

This is pretty much how things been going on right now.

Every year during AidilAdha, we celebrate it. Well, small celebration actually. Just us. But, this year. It's different. Since my Grandpa passed away on 12.10.2008, everything changed. This house is kinda dull now.

This morning when I woke up, I heard the Azan for the AidilAdha. For some reason I felt like Grandpa was sitting on the chair he used to sit watching the TV. I smiled for a while. And when I remembered that Grandpa's no longer with us, I cried and fell asleep. I wish it was all just a nightmare. But, God loves him more than we do. But because of that, my uncle changed. Now, he visit us like twice a month. During the past year, he visited us for only once a year. And it was always on the very end of the year. And also everytime he's here, we hide in our room. He always complained about something. Well, I used to hate him actually. He adopted my little sister. A week before my Grandpa passed away, he told me not to be afraid of my uncle. And he even told me to be nice to him. Grandpa cried. He pretended like he's not crying. But, I saw him crying. I was going to cry but I laughed to prevent me from crying.

Past two years, during Hari Raya Aidilfitri, when my Grandpa was still healthy. We woke up early in the morning to get things ready. We gathered here. All of my uncles. Excluding my oldest uncle. The one I wrote about earlier. First we eat. Then, getting ready to ask for forgiveness from the oldest. It was fun. What I felt every First day Raya was totally different from any day. We visited our cousin's house together with my Grandpa. It was just fun. I can't really explain it here.

But this year's Raya, was different. We of course gathered first. Then off to the hospital since my Grandpa was in the hospital. My oldest uncle was already there in the morning. It was sad to see my Grandpa lying there having difficulties moving. I cried every time he smiled. He was our tower of strength. He was diagnosed with Pancreas cancer. Level two when the doctors found out about it. I was on my way home from school when my mom told me about it. I cried like I've never cried before. My mom told me not to cry infront of my Grandma because we don't want my Grandma to know. She already had a very hard time after she had mile stroke. In the evening, we went to the hospital visiting my Grandpa. He didn't know about it yet. He smiled when he saw us coming. I went straight to the toilet, crying. After a while, I get out from the toilet and sat next to my Grandpa. He asked me why my eyes were red. I told him that they're itchy. Then, he went down to the prayer room. I watched him left us for a while. Days after that he was sent to RIPAS Hospital. That's where he knew he had a cancer. He was so brave that he didn't even feel sad for even a second. He had chemo treatment. He once said that no matter what happened, he'll sure die because of this cancer. We told him not to said that. I believed that he'll make it through. We were always support him. Then, he got back from hospital. The same day, my Grandma went to the hospital. I took care of her. Then, she got out of the hospital. Then, we went to Seria because we were celebrating something which I cannot remember. Grandpa and Grandma were there. Everybody else too. But, Grandpa and Grandma had to go back early because Grandpa said that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I kissed and hugged him. I waved at them. Never thought that it was the last goodbye. And then the next morning, some people visited him. That day was so strange. People came by non-stop. Grandpa asked to read Yaasin for him. He was in agony. And then, when everybody went back, he said that he wanted to sleep. He was holding my Grandma's hand and my Grandma noticed that he isn't breathing. He called my uncle. At first I didn't know what was going on. My uncle asked where is my mother. I said she's in the living room. And at that moment, for some reason, I felt like something went terribly wrong. I ran to my Grandparent's room and saw my Grandma trying to wake my Grandpa up. She said that how will she lives without him. She cried and moved my Grandpa's body. He gave no response. Nothing. That's when I realized that he's gone. I cried. Right now too.

Life is difficult, right? I guess I'm just one of the people who can't accept the real thing. I hate changes. I don't know why. Still can't figure out the answer. But, I hope someday I will.

Wonderful moment

Seeing such an amazing thing amazed me pretty well.


Perfect Blue.


Unique stone. Never seen this one before and it really amazed me.


Another one. Big.. The pink stripes make me wanna eat it. Too bad I don't have pretty strong teeth to chew them. And it wouldn't taste so good.


Look at the shape. And the leaves above it. Perfect. Ignore the feet. haha.



This is my Mom. I was trying to take a photo of her holding the sun. Didn't success though. But, I just love to take a photo of her. Looking at her smile makes me happy. Sometimes, make me cry. I Love you MOM!

Stupid security!

Two days ago I went to Q-Lap with my mom, sister, cousin and my two friends. We brought the tickets. By the time we wait for the movie to play we went to some place. And then, back to Q-Lap. We went up and we were waiting near the chair written 'cinema 2'. People went out and we waited for about 2 minutes. And there was no security waiting. So I thought we could enter the cinema. And there was this fat ass security telling us not to enter coz it wasn't the time yet. And the way he spoke to me was freaking rude. I was freaking mad. And felt like punching his face so bad..! The conversations goes like this..
me: err.. Meh, bulih ka masuk ni?
mom: antah ah. cuba saja masuk.
stupid security: eh, alum lagi ni! siapa menyuruh masuk?! ah?! siapa menyuruh masuk?!
me: mana tah kami tau.
stupid security: alum lagi ni! siapa menyuruh masuk?! ah?! alum jua kana suruh masuk! siapa menyuruh masuk?! ah?! siapa menyuruh kamu masuk?!
(I know, he said that over and over again!)
me: inda kami tau bah.
stupid security: kluar eh! tunggu sekajap.
(he went upstairs. looking at the crowds waiting) and then he continued.
stupid security: bah. kluar!
me: can we wait here? since it's pretty embarassing. sober jua tu masuk and then kana suruh kluar.
stupid security: eh! inda! keluar sana! siapa menyuruh kamu masuk?!
me: meh, buduh ah lelaki gemuk ah! kasar caranya becakap. membari sakit ati. Iskh..! buduh jua eh. mun inda mau kraja, branti. we don't give a shit about it.
my sis: awu eh. eh, cematu kan caranya becakap?
me: awu. buduh jua tu. palui eh lelaki tu. cari kelaie.
(so on... I continued cursing the guy.)
If there was a security waiting on that freaking chair, I wouldn't enter that freaking cinema at the wrong time! How stupid is that? He kept saying that freaking line! He made me freaking mad at him. Argh! stupid! I need to complain all the craps he said in the newspaper!
And that is all my point in writing and posting this post. Telling you how stupid that idiot was to me.

This is my first blog!

This is my 1st blog and my 1st post too. I know it sucks but what the heckk! I'm not pretty familiar with all these things and I suck! Huh. I'm totally not familiar with this and that. But, my point in having a blog is to tell you bout things I know. So don't hesitate to stop reading any of the craps I wrote in the future if you don't like it. End of story..! And my English sucks so don't bother to read if you don't understand..!